Distant Memories
by Ximatrii
Summary: Mara gets some time alone to think about her past, and possible future.


Distant Memories

Distant Memories

By: Mara Jade

Summary:Mara gets some time alone to think about her past, and possible future.

Distant Memories

The sky out there is still dark.And it should be, as I'm out here at an unreasonable hour.But after fighting these nightmares or dreams or whatever, I'm lucky to get any sleep at all.Coruscant's sun hasn't risen yet, but the lights from this planet are bright enough anyway.Staring at the point where the sun should rise soon, my mind began to wander.

Distant memories are all I have of my childhood.Fleeting images of destruction, famine, and death.But I feel detached, like they aren't my memories, like I'm watching through someone else's mind.But it _is_ me, I'm nearly sure of it.The hair color is mine, and, though shorter than I now have it cut, it's the same hair.And the face is mine-younger, thinner.And the eyes-they're the same color, and they've seen despair and horror, even in their young age.It _is_ me, I'm nearly certain.

But why do I still have the doubts in the back of my mind?Did my Master create these memories for me?I shudder at the thought.

Why do I still search, though the memories are still there?Why did my parents willfully give me to the man soon to become my Master for the next twenty years?And even after that?

Why can't I simply accept things as they are, and give up this useless search that will only leave me angry or desperately grasping at shadows and spirits?

I don't know.I wish I did, but I don't.

Until I know, I'm fairly certain I'll constantly wake up in the middle of the night, shivering, searching for the comfort I won't find.Because I push any chance of comfort away.He tries, but it's safer not to get involved at all.It keeps the inevitable from happening.The inevitable heartbreak and heartache.The pain never entirely goes away.Even I know that.

I can see the horizon brightening slightly.Mornings coming, with day soon to follow.Another day, then another night.Another night of restless dreams.But if they're dreams or nightmares I'm not sure.And, if not, are they my memories?Or someone else's?I don't know!

They say ignorance is bliss.But the questions gnaw at me.If it's not me, then who is it?And why do I have these damn half-memories?

It must be my mind; it can't be someone else's.They're mine, from an age I don't remember.Which isn't surprising.My past is a question to everyone, but most of all me.But it doesn't outwardly bother me.

I am Mara Jade, after all.

Nothing can break through my cold exterior.

But why does my heart melt when I see him, no matter how I want to react?Why do I worry about what to say, what I do around him, yet still feel more comfortable around him than even Karrde?

Why do I count the days before I can visit his Academy with a good excuse to back me up?Why do I feel my anger rise when I think of some woman leaving and hurting him?It's not my problem.It isn't.

But I'm changing, inside, much the same way the colors surrounding Coruscant's sun does.For better or for worse, I don't know.

I watch out for his life whenever it's threatened, though I only cared about my own for years.I accept missions from the New Republic, if it means I can help save others' lives, who were oppressed by whomever, be it the Empire I served for years, or anyone else.

Of course, to everyone else, my reasons vary, but usually have to do with the fact that I know I'd receive payment somehow.

But I think _he _knows better.He knows _me _better.And I don't know where to go next, what to do, what to think.I want to be next to him, but I don't.Around him I don't need my rock-hard exterior—he sees behind it anyway.But scathing remarks and pushing everyone away is my way of protecting myself.

Maybe one day I'll let the true Mara out, the one barely anyone ever glimpses.Maybe.

Maybe.

The sun rises in the sky, and I realize I've been standing here for nearly an hour.I have things to do here on Coruscant.I'm supposed to meet with Luke Skywalker for a sparring session in another hour.We'll banter back and forth, as usual, we'll fight, release our frustrations from the past few days into our lightsabers, striking, blocking, swinging around and attacking.

I'll let my barriers loosen a little.

I'll tell him how good a friend he is.

Yes, I will.He deserves to know.Gods only know how hard he's tried to be my friend.

Yes.I will.

I glance at the sun once more before I walk inside.


End file.
